For quite sometime now I have found myself wanting to write. This is only strange if you know me or have been around me for most of my life as I have said over and over that I am not a good writer. There is something about writing down ones thoughts. There are times that it seems that some thoughts have to be put out in order for more to come in.
I am at a point in my life called midway. Well midway numerically if I live to be 100 but midway in terms of life experiences. Life agenda's or life stages. I have 4 children, all sons. The oldest two are out of the house and married. One has 3 children, all girls. The other is along with his wife expecting their first in December, a son. But I also have two boys still at home. They are 17 and 15. For all purposes they are pretty self sufficient. They do their own laundry, clean their rooms and can cook for themselves if they need to. We do homeschool them but most of their studies are done by themselves except their math which is done with there Dad.
I have both of my parents still alive. They are not together but still alive. However they are getting older. My Mom has had several open heart surgeries for mitral valve replacements and other mechanical things. She is a rock, solid. My Father also. Both in fairly good health.
The reason that I am thinking about this midpoint in my life is because of the intersection of these two areas in my life. My children needing less and less of me from a physical point and my parents, probably more my Mom because she lives alone starting to have more needs. I live a distance from them both and feel sometimes guilty, sometimes relieved.
Then their is the other part of this life intersection. The part where I am also getting older. Oh, I know, fifty is not that old.
But their are definitely signs that this is the later half. Gray hair that at times seems out of control and expensive to keep up.
Facial hair that should not be there yet it is and requires an intensive gaze from every angle possible in my mirror. Thinning hair on my head. Not that I had lush hair to begin with so any thinning is very noticeble on my shower floor every morning.
Hormonal fluctuations or reductions is more like it. It is amazing how just adding in the monthly run for filling my hormone prescription since I don't live that close to a pharmacy can be a nuisance. But thank God for hormones.
Any way I am sure that this will not be the last discussion on hormones so I will leave that for another time.
The main thought that I want to let out tonight for airing is on the aspect of aging parents. Not my aging parents but on what that is like to look at your children looking at you with that concerned look in their eyes like you are their children. Let me explain.
The other day my mother had her gallbladder out. Easy surgery especially for her compared to her other experiences. She was in and out in 45 min. and in the recovery room. They have a second recovery room for people who are not staying in the hospital overnight called phase two. You sit in a recliner with those warm and toasty blankets that they warm up in the microwave and rest while the anethesia wears off. And who ever came with you can go in and sit with you while you wait.
I went into this area to wait with Mom. Each room is partioned off with a curtain that can be pulled around it for privacy or you can have it partially open. From the chair that I sat in I could observe another family, a father and two daughters. The daughters were rubbing their fathers legs and comforting him. The father sat in the recliner and was looking at his daughters.
As I watched them I wondered what it is like to be the parent and have your children look at you like that. You are no longer the caregiver but the one needing care. What does that feel like? And the thought of that feeling gave me an uneasiness that I cannot describe.
This lead to a discussion with my husband and the memories of what it was like for his parents when their parents his grandparents were no longer able to care for themselves and went into a nursing home. He and his boss had been discussing this because of a situation that they were dealing with. When adult children are torn between wanting to make sure that their parents are safe and wanting to keep their dignity intact what do you do.
My thoughts were more on how will that feel to me. What will my children do? I have all sons. Will that make a difference. My own experience has shown me that daughters are the ones who are more nurturing and do most of the help of caring for parents. Will my daughter-in-laws be that for me or will they resent that they have me and their own mothers to.
Basically I realized that I am a little afraid of growing old. My sister tells my Mom that you have to be brave to be old. I think she is right.
I have no close to these thoughts. Like I said they are only overflows. Not necesarily complete thoughts with solutions. I am not writing to get from point A to point B just to put the thoughts out.
I'll see if as I write about other things there is any resolve that comes and I will put it down.
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